Breaking News: Angelina Jolie, too busy reading 'Great Expectations', to have sex with husband

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There were rumours - of doubtful veracity - that Angelina Jolie used IVF treatment because she couldn't wait for Brad Pitt to do his part like a dutiful husband but I doubt that act of desperation was because she was too busy reading Great Expectations to have sex with her husband; Hard Times maybe but certainly not Great Expectations. Whether they're having sex or not is not really our business - however important that impotent knowledge may be to our meaningless existence. I've got to be honest - I don't see what is so attractive about Brad Pitt (except maybe in Meet Joe Black) but Angelina Jolie on the other hand - not the 'hottest' in Hollywood in my humble opinion but....*wolf whistle*. That's something for another post, or another blog altogether.

I know instant gratification is the norm and that you came here to read some salacious sensual account of Jolie and Pitt's sex life - which turned out to be rather anti-climactic but you're here now so you might as well stay till the end. Do you really want this to be yet another thing you never finish? I won't be long, promise.

Recently I had a copy of Great Expectations on my desk at work. A colleague remarked 'Great story' and nodded her head with such force that Mr Wemmick's 'aged parent' would be proud of. I, delighted that here was someone who had read such an amazing book and we could share our mutual admiration for it, asked her quite innocently I assure you, 'Have you read it?'. And then came the not so funny punchline - 'Oh no, but I've seen it. And loved it. Wasn't Ethan Hawke just amazing?'

And we left it at that.

If she hadn't mentioned Ethan Hawke and let me thought she meant the 1946 version rather than the buffed up modern version I might have held her in higher regards. So she hasn't got round to reading the book, I would have reasoned if I was in a good mood, but at least she's seen the movie, a true classic in its own right, but no, she'd seen the dumbed down modern version - which is tolerable at best. And I thought to myself how awful it was that people were missing out on a true gem here.

Those who know me intimately will laugh that I of all people am championing the case for Dickens. We've not always had an easy relationship to say the least. In my worst mood I'd call him a show-off (true) and a man who wrote excessively, far more than necessary - also true. Why wasn't he more busy trying to fight off the many illnesses which plagued people at the time? And he is a rather peculiar looking man with candy floss hair but let's not get personal.

However, in a good mood though I would call Dickens a prolific writer, the master of eloquence, in possession of an excellent sense of humour and a most vivid and original imagination. Believe me when I tell you, like Jane Bennet (and Darcy of course) my good opinion is rarely bestowed (like all worthless pseudo-critics). In light of that revelation my compliments may seem more complimentary.

I know his books are long. But worth the read. I know there are words you don't understand - but that means not only is it entertaining but also educational - spoken by a true geek. I don't mind people who have a read a few of his novels and not enjoyed them; you'd probably escape with a few fingers missing but we've got too many anyway. What I do mind is when people call him a bore without ever reading any of his novels. What I'd like to know is how they came to that conclusion. If you've not read anything by Dickens then Great Expectations is a fantastic place to start. I've read it so many times I've lost count. And each time I'm reading it I'm trying to work out what is it exactly that makes this book as good as it is. It's like magic. You try and try to find out how the magician did the trick but try as you might just can't.

The novel is written in first person and charts the life, the 'great expectations' of a 'nobody', of Philip Pirrip, self-named Pip. His parents died when he was an infant, as well as his five siblings - 'who gave up trying to get a living, exceedingly early in that universal struggle' - just an example of Dickens' wit. He was 'brought up by hand' by his silly cruel sister and her kind husband. One day in the marshes he meets a convict who threatens to kill him unless Pip feeds him and helps him escape. Pip, though consumed by guilt, does so but the convict is caught soon after this incident.

Pip is taken by his Uncle Pumblechook to Miss Havisham's gothic house to 'play'. Miss Havisham is a weird eccentric who stays only in the dark, wears an old wedding dress (now slghtly yellowy) and keeps all the clocks in the house stopped at the same time. She deliberately exists 'out of time' in that she has no knowledge of what month or day or time it is. There, at Satis House, he meets Estella, the adopted protege of Miss Havisham. She is beautiful, proud and cruel. Exactly what Miss Havisham teaches her to be. Later on in the novel it is revealed that Miss Havisham was jilted by her lover on her wedding day and that Estella, wanted and admired by all, is her weapon of revenge against men. Miss Havisham teaches her to be cold and distant, to flirt and trap men, like a spider (fitting then that she marries the man Mr Jaggers calls 'Spider') but never to be intimate and loving. What is remarkable is to the extent to which Miss Havisham succeeds.

Estella is cruel and merciless in her treatment of Pip. She knows he idolises her and at one point even makes him cry. Miss Havisham, pleased by her protege's progress, watches on and encourages by drawing his attention to her beauty.

Pip dreams of being a gentleman one day and being worthy of her. He is miserable with or without her, miserable of his life at home because he knows it will only repel Estella and confirm her opinion of him as common.

By a strange reversal of fortune, Pip is adopted by an anonymous gauridan and all dealings are conducted through the lawyer Mr Jaggers. He is taken to London, educated and spent upon by his anonymous guardian to make a gentleman out of him. Pip at first assumes it is Miss Havisham who is his mysterious benefactor; that she is making a gentleman out of him because she has intentions for him to be with Estella. So you can imagine the extent of his despair when he finds out that his mysterious guardian is not Miss Havisham. My lips are sealed now, anymore would give too much away and ruin the novel for you.

I think Great Expectations is one of those universally relevant novels which will always be relevant. Like Miss Havisham, it exists out of time. I think we've all felt inferior to someone we've admired at one point or another and looked for ways to be make ourselves more 'appropriate' for them. A modern example would be pretending to like something we don't in a desperate attempt to impress them. We've all felt quite content and happy with our existence until an event or a person has made us open our eyes and from that moment all that which held colour previously becomes black and white and disgusts us. Like Pip, we've all dreamt of being more than we are, of social mobility, of money and all its 'virtues'. Pip's enduring hope in the face of harsh reality is admirable and human. Even at the end - the revised ending and not the original, which I found ambiguous but more comforting than the original, Pip hopes for something ('no parting' from Estella) which is in no way confirmed. But he hopes and perhaps deceives himself - like we all do - and continues to have 'great expectations' - like we all do. I may sound sentimental but this is sentimental stuff! Note I said sentimental and not corny. A little sentiment here and there might do wonders!

And who knows, Great Expectations may do wonders for Pitt and Jolie's s life, it may not help Jolie get pregnant but three volumes in length it is guaranteed to satifsy her for longer - can Pitt make that claim? Methinks not.